I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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