when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
