She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
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