The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
