So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
