Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
