If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
