The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
