I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
