I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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