I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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