The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
