also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
