She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
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