You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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