all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
