Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
