U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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