Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
she told me i tasted like america
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
