she takes plan B like it's going out of style
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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