No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Randomize
