He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
