We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
