A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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