new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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