I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
