I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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