I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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