she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
