I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
