Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Randomize
