margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
