I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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