I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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