the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
