do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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