Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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