i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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