When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
