good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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