3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
