last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
