During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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