I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
