wakey wakey hands off snakey
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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