I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
