her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
