i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
