Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
