guys are only as good as the porn they watch
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
