You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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